How I Gained It

Yeah I’m one of those people that’s been heavy all their lives. One of my aunts likes to reminisce about me stealing my cousin’s breast milk when we were both babies. According to her, the trauma of this experience explains why I’m so heavy while my cousin has trouble keeping her weight above 105. I was heavy as a baby and I grew up heavy. I snuck A LOT of sweets, chips and sodas and I loved each and every bite. I didn’t do sports, although I loved to dance. I started in the dance club in 3rd grade and I wasn’t too bad, until I went to my first competition where the studio dance kids called me a fat blueberry (our dance gear was a blue tshirt and black lycra shorts). I quit the next month, no more dancing for me.
My parents worked as field supervisors for the farms in our valley. In middle school I was with my mom at a packing plant, there was this big scale with a circular display face they used to weight produce crates. My mom asked me to get on the scale so she could see my weight: 202 lbs, I was 12 years old. I sobbed in the shower for an hour that night.
Things only got more awkward after that, I had to deal with high school. I live in the Coachella Valley, where six months out of the year the weather is above 90 degrees and our summers can top 116 degrees for days on end. My sophmore and junior year I spent every single day of school wearing a black or grey zip up hoodie. Prom, no date, I wore a custom made gold bridesmaid dress, because it was the only style with sleeves. On top of that I asked the seamstress to please make me a full length black cape to go along with it. That’s right; I wore a cape to prom. Part of the logic behind that was that the theme of prom was something like “a fairy wonderland” and although I couldn’t pull off a pair of pixie wings I figured I could go for the mysterious wanderer in the woods with possible magical powers. Yeah, people would think my cape was so dope. I also had the cape so I could literally hide myself underneath a blanket throughout the dance. Oddly enough, not a single person that went to prom took the theme as seriously as I did, they just dressed up for prom. You get the idea; I was a weird, awkward, fat teenage girl.
College was better. I went to school on an archery scholarship which meant regular workouts, a first in my life. I lost about 45 pounds doing that. Those were good years. I didn’t pay much attention to my weight at the time. I worked out and ate everything I wanted. I was young, doing lots of fun stupid things with no though of consequences to my health.
After college, that’s when consequence showed its nasty vindictive face. Office work, no physical activity, same eating habits and depression onset by that quarter-life crisis people get just out of college: “What am I doing with my life?” Weight kept going up, self-esteem inversely followed. I had bad relationships, dealt with loneliness, a feeling of purposelessness, emotional eating etc., etc., etc. I broke the 300lb mark sometime around 24, I’m not sure when because I refused to weigh myself. I was honestly starting to feel stupid, like I had reached my intellectual peak and I was on the down-slope, I was going dumb. My health started to deteriorate pretty quickly at this time until I ended up in the hospital at 26.

My breaking point.

One thought on “How I Gained It

  1. We were all in a different world in our little group. 🙂 but they are awesome memories. Man. Life its a different person in each of our lives.

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